The Old Guys in the Basement

Well, many have heard me go on about this, but I want it recorded for posterity so here goes…..

Every Tuesday, a bunch of old guys hang out in my basement (12 to be exact).  “Men’s Group”  They’ve been meeting weekly for close to 30 years now and I’ve been watching.  I’ve watched their trajectory and their stability.  Each brings something unique to the group (which can be a unique thing for groups).  One was in sales, another a company CEO, another a small engine mechanic, another a banker and on and on.  Not only do their backgrounds, retirement accounts and “social status” vary but so do their political and spiritual views.  It’s odd (or unique).  The only common thread seems to be Tuesdays, desire for community and the idea that everyone is worth hearing.  What if that’s enough?  It seems to be…..  Their support for one another runs deep. My Dad tears up when he talks about them. They celebrate small (and large) victories, see each other through hard times and, when needed, carry a wife and Mom–in a box–to her final resting place.

As I said, I’ve been watching–and learning.  They–unknowingly–birthed “Guy’s Weekend” (a summer and winter cabin adventure, est. 1988) which has become such an important part of who I am.  Anchored by a core group of truly quality men, we are–I believe–building something similar.  Or maybe it’s been built.  Or maybe it isn’t even something you build….it just is.  In any case, I believe we share the unconditional nature of the “Men’s Group” in our ability to at times look past, but more often embrace, our differences.  I always tell Jen that I get to die first (can’t stand the thought of missing her) but if it doesn’t work out that way, I will be looking to them to bear the pall.

The learning part for me goes beyond creating “Guy’s Weekend.”  It leaves me riddled with questions about the meaning of life–particularly as a male.  If this is the end (sitting in a basement,  talking truth, about what matters most to us, with people who actually care, paying little–if any–attention to things like titles, income, house size, vehicles) why have I been ramping up all these years?  I’m not even saying the process, in itself, is bad.  But my stance toward it definitely has been.  I actually thought it mattered.  More is better.  I’ve been all about “biggerin'” (to quote The Lorax).  I biggered my house.  I biggered my job, I biggered my cars.  Again, nothing inherently wrong with this “phase of our journey” (25-65) except that I let it define me.  I let it determine my worth.  I willingly jumped on the “comparison train” and did my best to keep up.  For what?  So I could sell it all for a loss someday when I’m meeting in a basement on Tuesday nights?

Leaves me with some take-aways that I would love for my kids to own early in life:

1. Leave the judging (and comparing) to the only One qualified.  My Dad always said, “Everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time.” (except Olivia, but that’s probably just a kid thing…..)
2. Buy what you need, heck, buy what you want (there’s much joy and community to be found in some material things) but buy only what you can afford to own….and to lose.
3. Seek first to understand.  The Men’s Group started out of a Catholic Church.  One of the Men has ventured into Eastern Religion.  Now the group is reading “The Mandala of Being” discussing a chapter each month trying to “understand” Ralph.
4. Find community–or make one.  As introverted as I am, I recognize that I am not made to walk alone.
5. Recognize that this is a journey that better have value simply for the climb.  If I’m waiting until I get to the top to be happy, I’ll miss most of the beauty….and I may never get “there” anyway…..
6. Assume positive intent.  In the end, we’re all just trying.  Some are just more careful and less myopic than others.

So thanks elder-folk.  I love the weekly reminder to keep asking the questions.  The basement is yours for as long as you need it.